The Life of Nemein

Jurisprudence: Or how to kick a telemarketer in the gonads

2005-02-10T15:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I would have written earlier, but I have been in court nearly all day. I have a number of telemarketer cases I am litigating and I managed to schedule them all for back-to-back hearings. That is generally a very good thing unless you get a horrible judge. Fortunately for me, I got a very good judge. So good in fact that I think I won all three cases.

Unfortunately for me, one of the defendants was smarter than I gave him credit for and now we have to go to some arbitrator’s meeting in about thirty minutes. I feel confident I will win however.

On the bright side I meet this fabulous attorney (yes, I used the word fabulous). She was so impressed with my pleadings and motions that she invited me to her office to discuss telemarketing law. I am fairly sure that is the only reason she asked me (can we say lesbian?), but if not I am in some real trouble. I am positive she could beat me up – or hold me down – without much problem.

The halls of jurisprudence are calling, so I will leave it at that. I promise I will have something better to write about tomorrow.

I am so proud...

2005-02-08T17:56:00.000-07:00

I have this little domain backorder tool that I wrote a few years ago. It is fairly simple, but gets the job done. Case in point, a certain creationist website forgot to renew their domain recently. Now I own it. I will not give out the website name as it would invalidate my blog-anonymity, but if you run across a site with the following home page, you will know who I am…

Since Creationism is bullshit,
may we suggest you visit
www.talkorigins.org
for legitimate scientific information.

I have dozens more on backorder, so we will see who else falls into my trap. [Insert maniacal laugh]

Kumustá Nemein!

2005-02-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

So I was messing around with flickr.com to get some images posted and I noticed that the site greeted me with "Kumusta Nemein!" At first I thought that my profile must indicate I am Philippine. I mean, why else would I be welcomed to the site in Tagalog?

Then I stared wondering why it would use "Kumustá" in the first place. This is more a greeting between two best friends or between two children – at least as far as I understand Tagalog. I think I deserve a little more respect from a computer. Perhaps "Kumustá pô" would be more appropriate.

Then I realized that flickr.com just rotates greetings in foreign languages each time I log in. What a let down. The next time I logged in it said "Namaste Nemein!" Now my Hindi is a bit rusty, but I believe that means "I bow to you."

That’s more like it!

Kevin Number One

2005-02-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

Since I mentioned him earlier, and since I have nothing blog-worthy to discuss, I will recount the story of Kevin Number One. For some odd reason, I dated a whole string of Kevins shortly after moving back to the States. And by “string”, I mean eight. In a row.

Since I am fairly anti-social, I rarely visited the local (and only) gay bar in Charleston, South Carolina after the big move. Come to think of it, it was more about the fact that I lived on the Isle of Palms and had to drive forever to get to the bar. Usually, I just hung-out with my straight friends on the island at a local dive.

On occasion, however, I would drive over to Mt Pleasant and rent a movie or two from the local Blockbuster. Least you think I am some huge movie geek, the main reason for this action rests squarely on the fact that one of the Blockbuster employees was incredibly, drop-dead beautiful. He had these massive, blue eyes. You could see the eyes from the other side of the store. He also never looked at me, never spoke to me, and as far as I could tell, did not even know I existed.

After the first couple of weeks, I had worked-out his schedule and my trips to Blockbuster were timed accordingly. Every Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday I would head over and rent some movies. The problem with this plan was that I could only rent certain movies on certain days. For example, on Mondays I could rent new releases since they were due back the next day. On Tuesdays I could rent the fairly new releases since you could keep them until Thursday. Finally, on Thursday I had to rent the real crappy movies that you could keep until Monday.

I have to assume that my gaydar was much more highly tuned back then, because there was nothing to indicate that Kevin Number One was gay. In fact, on several occasions I noticed him getting in or out some girl’s car when I arrived a little too early or a little too late. After about three weeks of lusting, I arrived in the parking lot and noticed Kevin Number One loading films into a milk crate from the drop box out front. You know, the drop box out by the road for the lazy people that cannot walk the extra ten yards to the door?

So I pulled up a few parking spaces away, strategically located so that he would have to walk past me to return to the store. I fiddled around in the car for a few moments and opened the door just as he walked past. Unfortunately, my timing was a little off and I accidentally belted him with the door of my car. Also unfortunately, it caused him to drop the milk crate – most likely due to the fact that the milk crate rammed him in the gonads.

I was mortified.

While helping him gather the films back into the crate and apologizing profusely, I apparently asked him out. I really don’t remember doing it, but I do remember him saying, “Sure. Where do you want to go?”

Our first date was about a week later. I will not get into the details of the date, but it was very nice. I will say this, “Sex on the Beach” makes a fine drink. In reality, however, the actual “sex on the beach” is not something I would recommend.

I am dead serious with this warning. Keep in mind that sand is an irritant. Also keep in mind that sand is the main ingredient in glass. With those two facts in mind, should you happen to find yourself faced with “sex on the beach”, I have one last rule. And this one is VERY important.

Should you happen to drop your condom while opening the package, even if it does not look like sand stuck to it, do not put it on! And, if you happen to discount my warning and proceed nevertheless, you will want to stay away from anything that makes you horny for at least a week or so afterwards. You will see what I mean.

The evildoers failed…

2005-02-06T13:05:00.000-07:00

Despite the previous post, somehow I managed to drink more yesterday. I had my bi-weekly poker game with some ~~donators~~ friends last night. It is just a friendly ~~cut-throat~~ game that unfortunately lasts until the wee hours.

Somewhere along the way, someone (I think it was M) suggested we open a bottle of Mezcal. Now, I normally do not drink while playing poker and the pigs that were seated at the table had eaten all five pizzas before I got a piece. So, on an empty stomach I agreed to drink this Dixie cup full of Mezcal. I had no idea what it was.

It quickly became apparent exactly what Mezcal is and why I should not have partaken. Apparently, Mezcal is pretty much the same as tequila – much like sparkling wine is to Champagne.

I am fairly sure they did this to me because they are hateful, evil people. More likely, because I was winning all of their money. That being said, I did win all of their money. However, I am now on day two of my hangover. I think I will go back to bed until tomorrow.

Science experiment...

2005-02-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

Previously, Anonyboy declared that tequila was evil. Being skeptics, M and I decided to test this hypothesis last night. We traveled down to the local restaurant/bar/Mexican-tequila-distiller and proceed with the clinical trials.

We tested the theory extensively.

Some of you scientific-minded readers may note that we did not actually have a control group in our experimentations, but I believe, in hindsight, that was not really necessary.

After several hours of testing we returned home to examine the results. This morning we reached our conclusion. Anonyboy, as it turns out, was absolutely correct in his analysis. We are so positive of our findings, in fact, that we both vowed not to repeat the experimentations in the future. Ever.

We Won!

2005-02-04T17:14:00.000-07:00

I wish to thank my millions of readers that supported my boycott. Due to your solidarity and courage, I received a telephone call from a senior Blockbuster executive. After heady negotiations, the faceless corporation agreed to refund my $10.91. Without your support this injustice would not have been resolved.

Further, recognizing my immense following and power, the Man pleaded with me, the peoples’ representative, to remove the boycott. I, being magnanimous as usual, agreed. As a thank you for not bankrupting their company, they also through in a half dozen free movie rental credits.

It only goes to show that the power of the people will always win.

Now, with my newfound $10.91, I am going to head down to the local pet superstore with my dog Brazil Nut to buy her some real dog food. Like the reclusive old lady down the street, she has been eating cat food for the last three days.

Boycott Blockbuster!

2005-02-04T13:46:00.000-07:00

I generally don’t ask too much from my readers, but I need your help on this one. Go out right now and cancel your Blockbuster Membership! Don’t wait, do it right now.

I am so pissed (and I am not using the English slang here) at Blockbuster that I cannot see straight. (Come to think of it, I have never been able to see straight.) I canceled my membership back in the early nineties while living in Charleston, South Carolina due to "mysterious" late fees being added to my account. I found out later that employees would take the movies home and return them the next day. People like me would foot the bill. I know this for a fact since I dated the little cutie at my local store for over a year.

Last month, I broke down and got a new membership here in New Mexico – mostly due to the "End of Late Fees" advertising campaign. When I signed up I even mentioned that I had not rented movies for over a decade due to the whole late fee thing and that I was happy they came up with this new policy. The bitch even told me how much it had increased their membership levels!

So, I rented two movies last month. "The Cinderella Story" (sucked, but Chad was cute - and yes, that is why I rented it) and "The Chronicles of Riddick" (surprisingly good) were returned BEFORE the due date despite the "End of Late Fees". When I got to the store today I learned that I had a balance on my account of $10.91 in late fees! I WAS MAD! It turns out that all of the stores in New Mexico "opted out" of the "End of Late Fees" program. No sign, no disclaimer, no nothing.

The clipping sound you hear is me cutting up my membership card. I cannot believe the cojones of these people. They do not know who they are messing with.

Nemein n. 1. one that distributes what is due 2. one that provides justice or revenge nem- [Greek root] to distribute (See Nemesis - the Greek goddess of retributive justice)

when the world is puddle-wonderful

2005-02-03T15:13:00.000-07:00

I have decided to rename my dog once more. I was thinking of Piñon. She’s a Chihuahua, so I think it fits fairly well. It may be a tad gay, but she is a she, so Piñon will be fine.

On a completely unrelated note, SPRING is coming! My apricot trees are in full bloom and the quince and peaches are only a week away. That means it is time to start planting more trees. I’ve got room for three or four more, so I have been pouring over the catalogs trying to find the appropriate additions.

Let me first explain my philosophy on tree planting. Since I am going to water, feed and generally take care of the thing, I better get something back – and shade doesn’t cut it. As a result, everything in my yard produces something. I have apples, pears, peaches, apricots, quinces, tea, bananas, figs, mulberries, pecans, persimmons, pomegranates, grapes, kiwis, guavas, starfruit, prickly pears, bamboo, oranges, lemons, limes, dates, and nectarines. (Yes, you can eat bamboo... think Chinese restaurant.)

So, what should I get? I want something off the beaten path. I was thinking of this wonderful purple, penis-looking fruit called Akebia quinata. It seems fairly good, but that leaves me two or three more choices. I also considered a Dragon Fruit but I have enough cacti as it stands. I was also looking at a Jujube (Zizyphus jujuba) or a Paw Paw (Asimina triloba).

So here is the challenge... suggest some good fruit trees that I do not already have.

And just in case anyone asks about the title, I do not really like e. e. cummings, it just seemed to fit.

The Email Happy Dance

2005-02-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

Wow! I got a real email, from a sane person nonetheless. I even checked out his blog to make sure. But, I will still count him as sane. (Just kidding…)

I was so excited that I forgot to let my dog ~~Cashew~~ Pecan back in the house. She waited patiently outside the door as I performed the Email Happy Dance. Unfortunately she cannot bark very loud or she would have gotten back in sooner.

You may have noticed that I changed my dog’s name to Pecan. It just sounds better than Cashew. Cashew is more of a cat's name and I don’t want Pecan to develop any ~~additional~~ complexes.

Devastating news!

2005-02-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

Our trip to Costa Rica (scheduled for Monday) has been delayed. It seems that the State of Ohio thinks M. owes $300 in taxes from 1985. Accordingly, they blocked issuance of his passport. Of course M. was a child at the time, did not live in Ohio, and did not owe them taxes after all. Unfortunately, it takes them weeks to "correct" the problem and in the meantime, we are screwed.

Not to worry though, we have rescheduled everything and our new departure date will be April 20th. That should be plenty of time to get his passport. Plus, it means that my Aunt P might get to go with us.

On a brighter note, my dog Cashew is relieved. Please note: Cashew is not my dog's real name. Come on, I am not that gay. I think she knew we were taking off for a couple of weeks and she was not pleased. The cat, on the other hand, could care less.

So, I have posted a couple of pictures of Cashew when she learned that we were not abandoning her for weeks on end.

Can’t you see the elation and ecstasy in her expression? Trust me, it’s there. Come to think of it, she probably had no idea we were leaving. Chihuahuas are dumb as a bag of hair. But they more than make up for it in blind adoration and insatiable licking. In fact, I need to start looking for a replacement tongue. She has nearly worn out her current one.

The lesbians and the adjuster…

2005-02-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

About six years ago, I participated in a charity art show in Atlanta. I represented a gallery for a booth in the show and spent four days selling overpriced art to drunken queens. Unlike the other vendors, everything in our little stall was well into the five figures. As a result, 99.9% of the people wandering though would take one look at one of the neatly printed little descriptions and the five- or six-figured price and keep walking. This meant that I had very little to do. It should be pointed out that while I only sold five items, in terms of total sales, I sold more than anyone else there.

The first half of the first day of the show, I shared the back corner of my booth with two lesbian artists that had the stall to my right. We generally talked, gossiped, and discussed mechanical problems with my car. Overall, it was fun. About one o’clock, the chiropractor that had rented the booth to my left arrived. He got his “office” setup and began offering free consultations to the passer-bys.

I should mention that my respect level for chiropractors is about even with that of faith healers and mediums. Virtually everyone I knew in Atlanta was a chiropractor. There were so many chiropractors in fact, that they actually had to resort to treating each other just to get patients. In all fairness however, I have never received the services of these people and never plan to do so.

Back at the art show, Doc to my left gave out his “consultations” to dozens of people each hour. Essentially everyone had one of two things wrong with them. As it turns out, you could tell which person had what based on how hot they were. For example, if a lesbian partook of his services, Doc would have her stand in front of the table, rest a hand on each shoulder, and proclaim that her left shoulder was slightly higher than her right. This was followed by a similar proclamation about her hips and legs. Apparently this was an indication of problems with her spine. Doc would then sadly inform his “patient” that he only worked with legs and arms and provide her a business card for an “affiliated” chiropractor that would gladly offer assistance. The whole thing lasted about twenty seconds.

On the other hand, if you were hot, he would hold your hand for a few moments fiddling with your fingers. After diagnosing problems with your finger joints, he would then have you take off your shirt and lay face down on his table. After about five minutes of massaging your back, he would provide you with his card and inform you that immediate adjustments were needed. Moreover, he was very happy to make house calls, and to that end, Doc called attention to the fact that his card also listed both home and cell phone numbers.

This routine continued the entire four days. The lesbian artists and I found it hilarious. Overall, the experience was generally fun and I should note that Doc was fairly cute. By the end of the show, I managed to get the starter fixed on my car and several nice massages, but I never exercised Doc’s house call option. Who knows, I might have gained a new respect for chiropractic adjustments.

Officially sulking...

2005-01-31T07:23:00.000-07:00

For those of you paying attention, you may have noticed my uninterrupted posts this weekend. That of course means I lost. And by lost, I mean I sucked. And by sucked, I mean I did not get unlucky (since I don’t believe in luck), I mean I played poorly and sucked.

But the hotel was nice… and now I am officially sulking.

Regarding yesterday’s post, I guess I will need to wait a bit longer to die since I found this while surfing around the web. Now, I like me some beer, but I am fairly sure I would not have made it past the first twenty or so.

Straight Pride Week

2005-01-30T13:50:00.000-07:00

I believe I can die now. I have seen everything…

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=42608

I am not sure what one does during “Straight Pride Week”, but I bet it involves lots of Bush worship (pun intended – both of them).

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
- Mohandas Gandhi

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction."
- Blaise Pascal

One other observation: I am please to see that the elections in Iraq are proceeding relatively well. I do, however, find it ironic that today is also the day that Hitler was elected Chancellor of Germany. I wonder what our government will do if the Iraqis vote in a decidedly anti-America government.

Local eye candy

2005-01-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

M. and I went out to one of our local haunts last night. We mainly drank some beer and played a little pool. Now, normally this place is crawling with twenty-something college kids and a smattering of us old-folk. Last night, however, there was a clear lack of eye candy.

One guy is worth mentioning. He was about twenty-two or three with red hair. I will call him GWPB for reasons that will become apparent soon. He was fairly cute, but had some of the most unusual facial hair I have ever seen. At first, I figured it had to be fake. It was not!

I suppose that he could have been an eccentric Egyptologist with a Pharaoh complex, but even then, this was weird. Growing from his chin was this five-inch long cylindrical, orange phallus. It looked like a dildo growing straight down from his face. And by orange, I mean ORANGE.

The worse part was that he kept stroking it. I was waiting for his beard to reach orgasm. As it turns out, Guy With Phallic Beard was a local political science student. I sure hope he shaves before he decides to run for office.

Email from a sane person, please!

2005-01-28T02:39:00.000-07:00

I have now received exactly two emails from readers of my blog. One instructed me that I needed counseling from Exodus and the other from some young-Earth creationist about my article regarding evolution. So here is the challenge… will someone sane please send me an email. I really do not care what the email is about – it could be the current weather report of wherever you are sending from. I just want to confirm that there is at least one sane person capable of sending me an email. And how do these people find me anyway?

[WARNING: Long post forthcoming. Quit while you are ahead.]

So here is the email I got today:

You are very misguided. Evolutionism has not been proved and is not even a science theory. It is a hypothises. Their is much information that you should read on the subject you should understand before makeing such statements.

No one has proven anything in regard to evolution. In stead they have shown time and time again that evolution fails because there is no fossil record of evolution, mutations of genes only produce errors - deletion of genetic materials, the camberian explosion happens all at once, the second law of thermodynamics, carbon dating has been shown time and time to be unreliable, and etc, and etc. There is no end to the evidences against evolution.

As you know genetics has proven wrong Darwins ideas that random mutation of genes, which then produced variants, causes evolution. In reality, there is many more evidences to support that God created the universe. I should direct you to get your fact straight by visiting [extirpated] for the proper fact and you will soon see that God created our universe according to the Scriptures.

I must apologize before I begin. I sincerely wish I can keep by rebuttal to a minimum, but if I do not, feel free to skip to tomorrow’s post. Accordingly, I will completely skip-over the various grammatical errors and the usage of "and etc." as I have already addressed those issues in various previous posts.

First, evolution is often misunderstood. The idea that life has changed over time (evolution) is not disputed by any reputable scientist. Most creationists do not even dispute this idea. Evolution, in scientific terms, is considered a premise of all life sciences and is treated as law or scientific fact. What is in dispute, are the mechanisms that produce evolution. Even in this limited scope, the debate centers around a couple of very similar theories involving either gradual or periodic evolutional processes. Nevertheless, the fact of evolution and theories of mechanisms are overwhelming supported by science. Indeed, the scientific evidence of evolution is undeniable by any reasonable person.

Second, the author’s enumeration of evolutionary falsifications is ridiculous: (a) the fossil record is replete with examples and outright proofs, (b) mutation is not a prerequisite of evolution and even if it were, mutations can and do produce beneficial effects and additional genetic material, (c) the Cambrian Explosion happened all at once in geologic terms and is completely compatible with modern explanations of mechanisms of evolution, (d) The Second Law of Thermodynamics only applies in generalizations to closed systems like the universe as a whole, but even so it has been shown not to be in contention with evolution since the 1960’s, and (e) by "carbon dating", I must conclude that the author is referring to Carbon-14 dating which is very reliable to a period of about 40,000 years ago – well within the timeframe that young-Earth creationist think the Earth was created (6,000 - 10,000 years ago). It should also be pointed out that C-14 dating is but one of many dating techniques using decaying isotopes. For older dating, other isotopes are used as carbon has a half-life of only 5,730 years.

The author’s assertion that Darwin somehow predicted genes, and mutations thereof, is quite amazing since genes and mutations are a fairly recent discovery. Again, mutations of genes are not prerequisites of evolution. For the record, Darwin was woefully wrong when it came to his predictions of "inherited" traits in his general theory. Of course, Darwin didn’t know about genes so this only makes his discovery of evolution even more profound.

It should also be pointed out that evolution makes no prediction and contains no hypothesis of the creation of life. That life has evolved has nothing to do with where it came from to begin with. Nevertheless, there is not one shred of scientific evidence whatsoever that confirms, relates to, extrapolates, could support, or otherwise assists with a "creationist-centric" model of creation, let alone the absurd "young-Earth" model of creation.

As a challenge, I would ask the author only two questions to explain in scientific terms. First, if in fact, as the website you mentioned purports, the Earth is only 6,000 to 10,000 years old, how is it that we can see objects in space more than 10,000 light years from Earth? To clarify, if God created everything less than 10,000 years ago, how can the light of objects more than 10,000 light years away reach us and who created those objects if not God? As an example please explain the recent explosion of Supernova SN1987A some 170,000 light years away.

Second, please explain the vast number of fossils discovered around the world and how they could all have lived on the same planet in the course of less than 10,000 years. As examples, please explain how the 800 billion vertebrate fossils discovered in the Karroo Formation, coupled with the trillions of other fossils found throughout the world, could have survived relatively simultaneously. A quick calculation would show that the animals in the Karroo Formation alone would account for 21 animals (with the average size of a modern cow) for every acre of land on Earth. Please also explain how the 500,000 tons of mammoth tusks found in one deposit in Russia would not result in near wall-to-wall mammoths across Europe should all of those animals’ lives be compressed into the mere 6,000 to 10,000 years advocated.

If the author (or anyone else) could provide scientifically valid theories, or even scientific postulations, in regards to these two questions then I would have to re-evaluate my beliefs in evolution. Until that time, I will respectively dispute the author’s assertions as utter and total Sus scrofa-gurgle.

"F ing" telemarketers

2005-01-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

About three weeks ago, I wrote to a company in Las Vegas regarding a number of unsolicited prerecorded telephone calls I has received from them. I informed them that in my opinion the calls were illegal and that they should cease transmitting them. I also filled a complaint with the Federal Communications Commission and the Better Business Bureau in Las Vegas (of which this company is a member). My letter was polite and firm and requested a reply.

And a reply I certainly received. This last Saturday the company sent me their response. It opened with "You dont know who you are F ing with!" A number of profanities and poorly constructed sentences later, the letter closed with "Listen Ahole, dont F with me or youll be sorry!" I am not censoring the letter’s author. This is exactly what he wrote – missing apostrophes and all.

This, of course, means I will sue them as I have done with dozens of other companies, and I can assure you that I have received much worse from previous defendants. But, what really made me laugh was the response from the BBB. Yesterday, the Bureau responded to my complaint regarding the matter by sending me a copy of the very same letter I mentioned above. The Bureau’s cover letter was short and sweet:

"We have received a response to your comment letter filed with our office regarding the above-named company. Please complete the requested information below regarding your satisfaction with the company’s reply.

"Are you satisfied with the company’s response? Yes No

"If not, please state why:"

Remember, the response letter opens with "You dont know who you are F ing with!" Are they kidding? Did anyone at the Bureau actually read the letter they were sending me in response to my complaint? If they did, how could they possible ask someone if they were satisfied? I was tempted to write back, "Yes, I was F ing satisfied with the Ahole's response to my complaint."

I called the Bureau and spoke to the person that signed the cover letter. Naturally, she had not read the letter prior to sending it to me and was puzzled when I asked her, "Is this some kind of joke?" Once she read the first line, she informed me that replying was not necessary and that she would file the response as "unsatisfactory."

More pseudo-science…

2005-01-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

I was discussing yesterday’s post with a friend and neighbor of mine, Very Famous Mathematician. VFM is quite ancient and wise and I respect his opinion on just about everything except sex with women – a topic he is quite fond of. Somehow, our conversation led to another field of pseudo-science, the whole bible code issue.

Just for fun, VFM and I wrote a brief program that would import a text-format document and search for a key word list. Of course, it uses the same "skipping" and "crossword" methods used by the real fake bible code crap. For a more literary touch, we used the text of Moby Dick to test our little program. It was quite interesting.

We tried a variety of personal information, current events, and so forth. Our best effort used the key words "George", "Bush", "Buttwipe", "Thief", "Lied", "Killer", and "Nucuelar". They had a proximity of 248.29. I have no idea what that means, as the math is a bit over my head, but VFM assures me that it is quite good.

To make matters more interesting, we then switched to Ann Coulter’s Slander. I used the entire text and searched for "George", "Bush", "Pagan", and "Idol". I am not making this up. The best result was a proximity of only 24.38. 100% real folks. I guess Ann is a soothsayer after all.

On a political note…

2005-01-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

Though I try not to get too political in this blog, I would like to take the opportunity to personally thank the District Court of the Northern District of Georgia for its January 13th ruling in Selman v. Cobb County School District. For those of you not following the ignorance in Cobb County, Georgia, I will provide a brief overview.

In 2002, the Cobb County School Board (Cobb County/Marietta is one of the larger suburbs of Atlanta) decided to add this sticker to the front of all biology textbooks:

This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered.

Now, if they had their way the sticker would advocate creationism or "intelligent design" (which ironically is not very intelligent) and would include such teachings in their classrooms. Unfortunately for them, there is this pesky Supreme Court ruling that forbids that. So, in an effort to get around that ruling they included the above label.

Here is the real problem. These people have no idea what "theory" means in the scientific world. A theory is not some "pie-in-the-sky" hunch about how things might have happened. Rather, a scientific theory explains everything that has been observed, with no holes or gaps, and predicts data discovered in the future.

It is important to keep in mind that, like evolution, gravity is a theory. That the Earth rotates around the sun and not the other way around, is also a theory. Electricity is a theory – as is thermodynamics. Also in the theory category: Einstein's theory of General Relativity, plate tectonics, quantum mechanics, and the existence of atoms.

The data supporting evolution is overwhelming. Every single observed result supports evolution. Every single serious scientist supports evolution. While there may be portions of this extensive and encompassing theory that changes over time with additional observations and data, there is no serious debate in the scientific community between evolution and "intelligent design". Do not be fooled.

Unfortunately, Cobb County is not the exception. School boards all over the country are trying to include "intelligent design" in their curriculum or debase evolution. Is it a wonder that our country is falling behind in science education? If we wish to continue to dominate innovation, exploration, and scientific discovery we have to stop this ridiculous trend.

Lets just leave the science to scientist.

Potato problems

2005-01-24T18:29:00.000-07:00

Hummm… It would appear that my Saturday and Sunday posts have vanished in the vastness of cyberspace. Suffice to say, everyone will miss my humorous insights on such weighty topics as: the movies M. and I watched on Friday night and the wonders of cleaning up neighbors’ dog crap. And, since I did not save them, this will have to do.

With one exception. Rush down to your local mainstream gay video store and buy Angles & Cowboys as soon as it is released on DVD!

So, my mother gave me this as a non-denominational-winter-season-solstice present.

For those of you that are unenlightened, it is a potato brush. (I had to ask too.) Now before everyone fires off flaming emails to my mother for her lack of non-denominational-winter-season-solstice gift-giving, this was more like a non-denominational-winter-season-solstice-stocking-stuffer. The problem with this particular present is that it looks, feels, and weights about the same as a real half-potato.

Today, for the second time since receiving this present, I through it away – not because I dislike it, but because I forgot it was not a real half-potato. I should point out that M is quite messy in the kitchen. So when cleaning up this afternoon, I tossed it right in the garbage thinking M had cut a potato in half and only used the missing portion.

I then took out the garbage and tossed it into the big garbage can. About an hour later I realized that we did not have potatoes today. I decided I would not go digging thought the garbage for the thing again. Then, for some inexplicable reason I felt extremely guilty. I really do not have any explanation for my attachment to this kitchen utensil – in fact, I have never actually used it.

In the end, I dug through the trash and fished it out. Now I am pissed that I spent an hour looking for it. I think I will drill a hole in it and attach it to the kitchen sink somehow.

Skeet Ulrich

2005-01-20T18:17:00.001-07:00

So I was watching a crappy poker game the other night and Skeet Ulrich was playing. When did he get so hot? Of course, can you image being in the heat of the moment and trying to say something sexy that includes the word “Skeet”? I guess I would have to come up with some sort of pet name.

Actually, he didn’t do too poorly in the poker game. Made a good charge but hit a really bad beat to go out – 'all in' with a set of aces and his opponent draws a two on the river to win. Oh well.

On a related note, I will head up north next week for a poker tournament. Hopefully I will be gone for a few days. I really don't know who will be at this event just yet, so if I get back early, that will not be a good sign. On the other hand, if I win, I will have a paid seat in the WSOP this fall. I guess I will get to see what it is like to be cold in the winter. Regardless, M. and I will have a good time. Something about hotel rooms…

Wish me luck.

To serve or not to serve

2005-01-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

Last year, M. and I served as Election Judges for our voting precinct. It was fairly interesting and even somewhat fun, though a huge amount of work is involved. Today, we each received a postcard informing us that we are to be Election Judges once more – on February 1st.

For those of you not familiar with this process and how it works, I will provide a brief overview. First, you get up at about four in the morning, get ready, and arrive at the polling place by five o’clock. Second, you spend the next sixteen hours administering the polling place and counting votes. Third, you get home (hopefully) around midnight and fall instantly sound asleep. How these eighty-somethings do it is completely beyond me.

I would certainly do it again, but there is a slight problem with February 1st. M. and I decided to go to Costa Rica over two months ago. We already have tickets and paid for some of our hotels. While we don’t leave for San Jose until February 7th, we had planned to visit my Aunt P. in San Diego before leaving. I also have a court hearing (I sued a couple of telemarketers) the following morning and don’t want to show up tired.

So, here is my dilemma. Should I take the job and be a good citizen or should I be selfish and decline? To aid me in this decision, I have listed the pros and cons of offering my services.

PRO: I love power, and with this job you get to kick people out and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
CON: Aside from M. and I, everyone else doing this are in their eighties and smell like cabbage.

PRO: I get paid $130.00 for doing it.
CON: I only get paid $130.00 for doing it.

PRO: Customers cannot call me for assistance the whole day.
CON: Despite having voted dozens of times, no one seems to know how to do it and they ask the most inane questions.

PRO: Last time I got to be on CNN.
CON: No one cares about this election, so I most likely will not be on television.

PRO: There are very few Republicans in my precinct.
CON: If there is a recount or recanvassing I could be subpoenaed and would have to cancel my trip.

PRO:
CON: It means dealing with hundreds of people I really don’t like.

PRO:
CON: It starts way too early in the morning.

Well, it seems the “CONS” have it.

* * *

On a lighter note, M. totally punched someone in the nose last week. While I certainly do not advocate violence, the guy had it coming. During our pool match this arrogant jerk kept trying to change the score sheet and M. grabbed it from him. Jerk then made the mistake of hitting M. in the back of the head and M. jabbed him right in the nose. Blood and everything! Jerk quickly left and did not return.

I am bringing this up because last night was pool night again. Jerk came in late, took one look at M. and decided to go home. I thought it was funny. One of Jerk’s teammates apologized to M. and I just could not help but point out that it must be embarrassing to get beat-up by a fag. Why can’t I just keep my mouth shut? We will see if he shows up next week.

Those that annoy me:

2005-01-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

1. People that use the word "gay" as a noun. For example, "Isn’t he the gay that lives down the street?" or "Look at all those gays over there." While technically correct, these people really annoy me.
2. Anyone with punctuation marks in his or her name. Doubly so if they were not born with any and decided to add them later.
3. Republicans.
4. Gay republicans.
5. Anyone that watches Fox News.
6. People that talk about Jesus like he is standing right next to them. Even more if they make little head gestures off to the side to signal his presence.
7. People that say, "and et cetera". Et cetera means "and so forth".
8. Redundant people.
9. Redundant people.
10. Straight guys that flirt with me in bars because "it’s cool".
11. Straight guys that automatically think I'm flirting with them because I’m gay. Doubly so if they are fat and ugly and couldn’t get laid by a prostitute.
12. People that do not know New Mexico is a state. The next person that asks if they need a passport to come visit might as well stay at home.
13. Anyone that does not believe in evolution. See numbers 3, 5 and 6 above. Morons.
14. Intelligent people that do not believe in evolution. For example, my previous boss at IBM with three advanced science degrees. He would constantly attempt to convince me that the Earth is only six thousand years old.
15. Telemarketers.
16. People that correct me when I use the word "data" and should have used the word "datum". See number 14 above.
17. Anyone that uses the non-word "irregardless". That includes our local university president on the occasion of is inaugural address to the students and faculty discussing the necessity of better standards in writing. I was waiting for him to say "irrelativeless" or "irrespectiveless".
18. People that use punctuation marks when speaking orally. That includes the little quotation mark finger gesture.
19. Anyone old enough to move away from Idaho and has not yet done so.
20. Every single person that works at the following: Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Circuit City, Earthlink, or Qwest.
21. The entire cast of Friends.
22. Anyone that has ever appeared in any reality television show, except that little cutie Paul from Boy Meets Boy.
23. Every single person I went to school with up to the age of sixteen.
24. The owner of the arm I broke in fifth-form for calling me a fag.
25. His friend and owner of the nose I broke for the same reason.
26. Anyone with the last name of Bush, except Kevin, Kate, and those to be named later.
27. Lying politicians.
28. Politicians.
29. Anyone that says "more unique", "less unique", "very unique", or any variation thereof. Something is either unique or not unique.
30. Guests that bring a bottle of wine to a party and then take the rest home with them. How rude.
31. Jar Jar Binks, people that look like him, and people that constantly say "How woode!" in imitation of him.
32. People that frequently lick their lips for no apparent reason.
33. Women that think they can make me straight.
34. Most all children.
35. Players that wear headphones at a poker tournament and then wind up beating me. If I beat them, I really don’t care.
36. People that verbally discuss themselves in the third person. We don’t like that.
37. All of the other children not covered by number 34 above.
38. Witnesses in the South interviewed on the news that make everyone else in the South look like hicks.
39. Hicks, hillbillies, and anyone that wears one of those "You know you’re a red-neck when..." t-shirts.
40. People that watch NASCAR, although they are most likely covered by number 39 above.
41. Anyone without basic math skills. For example, people that play the lottery.
42. Drivers with a "Viva Bush" bumper sticker on their car, except my lesbian friend that replaced the "Viva" part with her own label that read "Smell My". Those with "Bush ‘00" bumper stickers are mildly acceptable provided they also have a "Kerry ‘04" bumper sticker.
43. Most everyone driving in the same area and at the same time that I happen to be driving.
44. Every single person in a movie theatre that I also happen to be in.
45. People with two first names like Mary Jane or Jim Bob. Make up your minds!
46. Complete strangers with butt-loads of money and want you to know about it. Besides, the guy from 2Gether said a "butt-load" is only $5,000 and I will take his word for it.
47. Homophobes, anti-Semites, racists, people with rebel flags, most Canadians, and everyone from France.
48. People that seem to think bathing is a waste of time.
49. Everyone afraid of cows. They are cows people! What do you think they are going to do?
50. Most everyone else, with the possible exception of about two dozen.

Mr Roger's neighborhood is for sale!

2005-01-17T20:58:00.000-07:00

I am horrified to see that mrrogers.com is for sale! This man spent his entire life helping children all over the world. While normally I would think that being an ordained minister automatically makes you a superstitious nut job, in this case I liked Fred McFeely Rogers. So much so, that I watched his program religiously as a child. (Does anyone see the irony?)

I simply find it absurd that not one of his friends, family members, or devoted fans bought the address to establish a memorial and continue his good work. Of course, then I found out that it costs $2088.00 and decided that I didn’t have the money to do it. Actually, that is not entirely true. I could probably raise the money, but I don't want to spend it on that.

However, if anyone does have that kind of money and does wish to spend it on something like that, I urge you to do so.

Missed the mark...

2005-01-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

M. and I went climbing and hiking today. We have not been out to the mountains in two months, so the daytrip was a very welcome break. We also took our neighbor, K., with us. She often accompanies us on these little hikes. Usually we are out to take some photos and get some exercise, but this time we were on a mission.

Actually, we were looking for three Geodetic Survey Benchmarks. Two of the markers have not been checked since 1936 and the third was visited in 1964. After seven hours of rambling through several square miles of mountains, we were unable to locate any of them. Clearly the 1964 marker was destroyed due to erosion and rockslides, but we simply couldn’t find the other two.

Next weekend we will go back to verify the 1964 marker’s destruction with some better equipment and see if we can locate the other two. Overall, it was an exhilarating afternoon (I nearly fell off a seventy-five foot cliff) and everyone had a good time. M. and K. fell asleep in the living room almost as soon as we got home.

And, since this is such a boring post, I will include some pictures to liven things up a bit.

Certifiable?

2005-01-15T11:43:00.000-07:00

I hate email. For two reasons, really. First, if someone is going to write to someone else, write a letter. Six or seven lines of obscure acronyms and absurd little punctuation marks do not count as a letter. Aldus Manutius would rollover in his grave if he knew that these people were perverting his little invention!

Second, as I have already pointed out, I am anti-social. Don’t get me wrong – I don't dislike everyone, just most people. I also much prefer to talk on the phone. In this day an age there is really no excuse not to pick-up the telephone and call someone. Especially if you are like two blocks away, P.!

That being said, I guess it is a good thing that only one person has emailed me regarding by blog thus far. It is such a shame that the art of writing people a letter has declined in recent years. Julian, for example, is composed almost entirely of letters exchanged between the emperor and several of his friends. If they had email in the 4th century, what would Gore Vidal have done? The reason I am bringing this up is two-fold. I love to get letters from friends and I got a letter from a friend today.

For some inexplicable reason, however, the letter was sent certified mail! This got me worried, thinking of all of the possibilities of why a friend would send me certified mail. "Perhaps he is planning to sue me," I thought. Or maybe he is sending me cash, which is always welcome. As it turns out, neither was true. The letter was quite nice and after finishing all three pages, I pondered the necessity of the certification. Nothing came to mind.

So naturally, I fired off a short email to find out why.

Cock-sucker vs. cocksucker...

2005-01-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

Poultry Pops Shirt
Originally uploaded by Nemein.

During one of my many visits to The Onion recently, I ran across the T-shirt below and thought it was quite funny. Of course, I did not buy the thing, as I would never be caught dead in a novelty T-shirt.

I mean that literally. Can you image getting in a car accident while wearing that thing? Sure, the paramedics would most likely giggle a little bit at first. But, once they cut it open to perform CPR the punch line just wouldn't work.

Once you got to the hospital the only thing the doctor would see is a shirt that has some guy shouting "Cock-Suckers!" and he would let you die on the table; proud in the thought that he rid the world of one more homophobe.

On a more grammatical note, I am appalled by the fact that they used "cock-sucker" rather than "cocksucker", which according to OED does not receive a hyphen. So much so that I sent them the following email. I have not received a reply.

Dear Sirs,

Recently I visited your site and was quite amused by the various products you have to offer. In fact, I seriously considered ordering one of your novelty shirts, but noticed a glaring grammatical error. The word "cock-suckers" should be "cocksuckers". I have included a link to the product below.

Should you alter the wording on this product in the future, kindly notify me and I would be more than willing to make a purchase.

With kind regards,

Nemein

Its official! I’m Judgmental!

2005-01-13T08:13:00.000-07:00

As the title states, it is official. For years, my Mother has traveled the world for the DOD giving personality tests and deciphering the results. Well, she had me take one too. Apparently I am an INTJ. The "J", it appears, means that I am judgmental.

M. seems to feel that I did not need a test to determine that.

On the bright side, I share this moniker with Augustus Caesar, John F. Kennedy, Jane Austen, Maria Shriver, Phil Donahue, and Donald Rumsfeld. Well, actually I could have done without the last two. M. is a ENTP, which means we are doomed. He gets to be in the company of Rutherford B. Hayes, Julia Child, George Carlin, and Weird Al Yankovick. I wonder if our children will look like Maria Shriver or Weird Al Yankovick?

In any case, one of the websites I found said, "Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel." The report my mother gave me was not quite so polite about the whole thing. Something about going to the grave miserable and lonely, but well grounded in my chosen profession. Damn, I knew it.

And now for something completely different, I found these wonderful pearls of wisdom (pearl one, pearl two) and though I would share them with you, my readers. Now I just need to create a crib sheet so I can use them in everyday conversation.

Confessions of an aunt lover…

2005-01-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

I have already posted once today, but since that was more of a reply than a true post, I will go ahead and add some more thoughts to these pages. And, in light of Dorothy’s wonderful email I will dispense with the witty (or not) insights and cut right to the chase. Wherein there is sex, drinking and aunts – well one aunt at least and the sex is not with her as that would be gross.

Since I mention her in my About section, I guess I should fill you in on the back story. P. is one of the most outrageous people I know. That she is my aunt and only eleven years my senior only adds to the outrageousness. She is also the kindest, most understanding, and most loving person I have ever met with the probable exception of M.

On the occasion of my 18th birthday, I decided I would take the summer off from school and return to my parents’ house in Charleston for a couple months. I had also decided that I was going to come out to my parents and family during that trip. Keep in mind that I had lived in England since the age of seven and during that time, NOT ONE MEMBER OF MY FAMILY EVER VISITED except P. Don’t get me wrong, my mother often had to go to Germany and I would meet her there and once even my father decided to go skiing in Austria, so I reluctantly visited him in Innsbruck during his stay.

When I got back to the States in June, I called up P. and asked if she would come and visit in Charleston. She agreed. A plan was hatching. I figured that if she was there, I could do just about anything.

She arrived a couple of weeks later. Now, as I said, P. is only eleven years older than me and we often went out together. My parents being much older would either leave early or simply not join us. On this occasion, P. and I went to Vickery’s and hung-out at the bar, catching up on things, and ogling the cute waiters. (Just a quick note on Vickery’s: First, they never carded, which was useful when you are only 18. Second, it was right around the corner of the only gay club in town. And third, when I moved to Charleston after finishing school, my roommate was a bartender at Vickery’s. Other than him – he was short, bald and fat at 23 – for the years that I lived there, the bartenders and waiters, to a one, were hot. At that point in my life, by "hot", I mean I fucked them. Which eventually forced me to find another bar in which to "hang-out". So I picked one where the bartenders and waiters were, to a one, wholly unattractive.)

The night in question was going swimmingly. We chatted about this and that and finally I told P. I need to get something off my chest. Before I said anything else she turned to me and said, "Nemein! You’re finally going to tell me you’re a fag?" Talk about emasculation!

She went on to explain that she had figured it out, most likely, before I had. Further evidence, she explained, was that I was sitting at a bar with my aunt, and we were both staring at the bartender’s ass. (By the way, I fucked him too – that weekend, though he was long gone when I moved back a few years later.) To this day she denies the exact wording of the whole event, but I like to think it was a little more significant to me and I know it is burned into my memory. She also denied that the bartender was as cute as I remembered he was, but I like to think it was a little more significant to me too and I can assure you that he was VERY cute among other things.

Nevertheless, my outing of myself to my Mother and Stepfather was much easier as a result. It was another three years before I told my father, which was just as well since he wounded my boyfriend at the time with a shotgun. That would be a story for another time.

As for the About me section, prior to the night in question, my aunt often referred to me with some masculine euphuism for being straight-laced and white. After that I was strictly Molly Whitebread. And while she did inadvertently out me to a number of other family members over the coming years, I never liked most of my family so I really didn’t care. It is worth mentioning that she even tried to set-me-up with a few guys. How sweet is that?

Dear Dorothy,

2005-01-12T08:05:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank you for sending such a nice email. It should also be noted that it was the first email a reader has sent me. As you sent it anonymously, I have taken the liberty of naming you Dorothy, as I feel that would be appropriate. Normally, I would not post my reply to a personal email in such a public forum, but since my previous attempts were returned as undeliverable, I figured I would address it here.

Your warm wishes, insight and generally helpful advice were all most welcome. However, your suggestion regarding my testicles and electrodes is a bit too risqué for my tastes. As for the person you wanted me to meet, I must say that living here in New Mexico, there are quite a few people named Jesus, so please be a little more specific. I should also warn you that I tend not to be that attracted to Hispanic men – with the notable exception of Alex Rodriguez.

Nevertheless, thank you again for your support and I sincerely hope you continue to read and enjoy my musings.

With deepest regards,

Nemein

Gnomish weeny…

2005-01-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

I already posted today, but I just had to share these emails I got a few moments ago. I am always amazed at what people will buy. First, I got this email promising, "No Catch --- Real Study! Increase your member.":

No Sham ... Genuine Knowledge! The equivalent type of inquiry
that established other miracle specifics, has now set up a radical
grass lozenge that can gain your member proportion by 2" to 4"
in verily a couple of short hebdomads! Merely swallow 3 our pills every twenty-four hours...
It will produce your phallus gain a immense 26%!

I generally follow the gist of the pitch here, but I think most people would be lost at the "hebdomads" part. Just in case you are wondering, a hebdomad is a week. Then, within minutes, I received the following email:

From: Ada Byewob
To: Rose Tmo
Subject: Identical remedy - gnomish cost!

Seek remedy directly from
FDA approved factory-owner in Bharat.
Conserve up to 95% on your medicine.

Who the hell is Rose? In any case, this type of thing normally receives the same treatment as the numerous penis lengthening and breast enlargement emails I seem to be deluged with daily. "Gnomish", however, caught my etymological eye, and despite being a word I particularly like, I do not recall ever having had the opportunity to use it in a sentence. And so I investigated.

Obviously the author of this brilliant piece of marketing used some sort of translating device to determine a suitable English word for "smaller" or something similar. Sure enough, my trusty thesaurus lists "gnomish" as a synonym for "small". Unfortunately, anonymous author did not choose, in my opinion, one of the more colorful entries listed. For example, I think "Identical remedy – pygmy cost" would have been much better.

Clearly, of course, the best choice would have been, "Identical remedy – weeny cost".

Being something of a mathematician (or at least that is what my degrees say), I figure that I can purchase the grass lozenges from email number two and take as many as I would have taken if I got them from email number 1, and my member will have grown thirty-eight inches. But that would most likely be somewhat cumbersome and not very practical, so I will just leave it at that. I will say that I am fascinated at the accuracy of their predictions. 26%! Not 25% or 30%, but exactly 26%! They must really know what they are talking about.

This brings me to diction - pun intended. For some reason I still remember a ridiculous lesson from school involving a traditional rhyme where the words were replaced to demonstrate the importance of diction. This is information I do not need in my head. There is limited room and I feel that if these kinds of things are lurking around in there, I might not have space later for more important things. Therefore, I will transcribe it here (as best as memory serves) in hopes that doing so will transfer the whole mess from me to you.

Three rodents with defective vision,
Observe their rate of motion,
Observe their rate of motion,
They all pursued the agriculturist’s spouse,
Who severed their spinal extremities with a common kitchen utensil,
Have you ever beheld such an activity in your existence,
As three rodents with defective vision?

Boldly go where I seldom get to watch Law and Order…

2005-01-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

Once I liked science fiction. I still like it to a degree, but not like I did at one time. I guess I have phases in this regard. For a number of years after returning to the States, this man was my neighbor. I had no idea what he actually did for about six months. Now I have almost all of his books – signed. (True, they are more "fantasy" than "science fiction" but that is beside the point.) I actually really liked him. "Platonically," I should add, least anyone get the wrong idea.

M., on the other hand, lives and breathes the stuff. The irony is, I did like Star Trek when I was younger, but would not admit it to anyone for fear of being labeled a Trekkie.* M. never watched it, but is now the (very) proud owner of every single episode of every single Star Trek serial ever released. I should, however, point-out that M. is currently writing his first science fiction novel and I am very proud of him for that. What I have read is very good.

But here is the point of my post. I AM TIRED OF WATCHING THE SCI-FI CHANNEL! Honestly, most of it is utter crap. (Especially since they no longer show Heath Ledger in Roar!) This is not helped by the fact that I constantly find flaws in the logic utilized by the writers of these shows. And, for some reason, I always feel compelled to inform M. of my discovery/disapproval. He does not appreciate my pointing out these things.

Last night, for instance, I was forced to sit through some Tivoed sci-fi dribble wherein the cast, sitting aboard a spaceship (go figure!), are tossed about by a near miss from another spaceship. So I informed M. that if they were somehow able to overcome inertia using a yet-to-be-invented doohicky, the jolting of the ship would not affect those inside. If it did, they would all be dead, squished like a tomato thrown at a brick wall. Despite the theory of relativity, he simply would not consider my opinion valid.

This resulted in him turning off the movie in complete disgust and switching to Law and Order. So I guess it was not that bad after all.

* PLEASE: Do not email me about the correct usage of Trekkie vs. whatever-everyone-that-watches-Star-Trek-is-called-these-days! I really don’t care to be quite honest. Although, the fact that there are "SpinerFems" is quite humorous – and scary.

I got kicked in the gayness…

2005-01-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

In my eyes, I seem fairly gay. After all, I dress nicely, refuse to drink beer from a can, like opera, collect fine wines, grow rare and exotic palm trees, occasionally teach cooking classes, and think Martha Stewart was framed. On the other hand, I do play billiards competitively, have never put on a dress in my entire life, climb mountains, hate ballet, play poker semi-professionally, and I don’t go the gym. In my defense regarding that last one, I only weigh 145 pounds and most likely always will.

So, with this in mind, M. and I went to our neighbor’s New Years Day party on, well, New Years Day. Shortly before we left the party, another neighbor and his friend arrived. We will call him O.D. and I believe his friend was named D.M. – but that is not really important for the purposes of this story. O.D. is a rather large man and I have known him almost since we moved here a few years ago. You see, he walks this tiny, mangy dog around the park every couple of days. People really need to get dogs that are more structurally similar to themselves. O.D., as it happens, is also a flaming queen!

Now, I have no problem with flaming queens, but O.D. insists that no one reveal that he is gay. Septuagenarians that wear white berets and fanny packs while walking tiny little dogs around the park are gay. There is no getting around that truism. As a result, each time M. and I speak to him, the conversation always ends with the request to keep hush about his gayness. It is all I can do at those moments to prevent a huge rush of laughter from escaping my mouth.

So, we were at this party and O.D. and his friend arrive. O.D. introduced us to D.M., a twenty-something flaming queen, and proceeded to tell M. and I that we should go to another party just down the street later in the evening. I don’t quite remember the exact words he used, but it was something to the effect that the party was "a Liza party". While I am not a Liza Minnelli fan, I do understand the importance of using her name. That, of course, was followed by the usual request not to reveal any sources.

Naturally, I did not want to go. For one thing, M. and I went out on New Years Eve and then attended this gathering and that was more than enough for me. Despite my protest, M. dragged me to the second party. I should take this time to mention that I am somewhat anti-social. So off we went. Foreshadowing has never been my forte, but I should have wondered what kind of fag throws a party at 5:00 in the evening.

As it turns out, very old ones. Apparently, for as long as anyone at the party could remember (which did not necessarily mean a lot), every gay person over the age of 55 attends this annual event. Actually, there was no official age limit, but you would not know it from looking around. It was PACKED! Upon arriving, M. went off to talk to O.D. in another room and I proceeded to get myself a drink. Within minutes a not-quite-elderly gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "Who are you!" (Notice the lack of a question mark.)

As often happens I could not for the life of me remember O.D.’s name! Fortunately (or not) D.M. strolled in and announced in a booming, if somewhat high tone, "Nemein! Darlin’, you’re here!" My head shot over to not-quite-elderly gentleman for validation and he and D.M. began to debate whether or not I was actually gay – WHILE I AM STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THEM! Apparently not-quite-elderly gentleman was concerned that I was simply there to partake of the alcohol but D.M. ensured him that I was, in fact, queer as could be.

Like I would go to a party just to drink cheep wine out of paper cups! So of course I opened the bottle I brought and proceed to drink it instead. Is that rude?

In the beginning...

2005-01-09T17:18:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling with the decision to start a blog over the past two months. On the one hand, I have plenty to do already. On the other hand, I think it would be something of a catharsis to release some of the demons bottled up within (duck!). On the third hand – and no, I am not hideously deformed, at least not appendage-wise – I often feel that my life is actually quite boring and tedious, so I should fit right in with no problem.

The final, fateful swing of the pendulum came this morning while watching my daily dose of news. Our ~~chief boob~~ president was questioned concerning elections in Palestine – the combination of fair elections and the president being somewhat oxymoronic to begin with – and he replied saying, “Who could have possibility envisioned an erection, uh election, in Iraq at this time in history?” He went on to say that a lot of people were excited about this. So, I decided I had to write a blog.

Not to diminish George’s contribution to my decision-making process, there were actually several other blogs that got the pendulum swinging in the first place. After discovering it in November, this guy became the very first blog I ever read. I liked it and decided to read some more. By more, of course I mean all of it. At once. At around 2:00 in the morning.

That led me to read this and this. Both of which I liked for different reasons. So I naturally decided to read more. By more, of course I mean every one of their entries. At once. Finally, those two directed me to this one. I really liked his blog so I read the whole thing. At once. Starting in the wee hours of the morning. Needless to say, I did not get any work done for several days. Oh, and I also fell in love with Faustus, but that is another story. Besides, I have a boyfriend of eight years and it appears that Faustus has one now too. Not to mention the fact that he lives in New York and I live in New Mexico.

There is a point here, I promise.

So I came across this link and decided to find out just what Googlism had to say about me. I dutifully typed in my name and it retuned dozens of statements, supposedly about me. The very first one was, "[My Name] is straight." This was disconcerting. Not that I am very gay. While everyone knows that I am gay, I really don’t think about that much. Being 33, I have spent the last 15 years completely open with my identity, and here is a website spreading lies about me! Of course, it also said that I am a "union lackey", "[a] leader in designer fashion", "carving into the back of a young girl" (???), and "fairly short" – all of which are equally untrue – but for some reason these lies did not seem to matter much to me at the time.

So naturally I also tried Ryan Phillipe. As it turned out, his results were much more favorable than mine. BUT I HAD MORE! Still being bothered by that one particular result, I decided to try Faustus’ name. (His real name, of course.) "Why," you ask? After reading his blog I have determined (as he himself, I believe, has decided) that he is the gayest person I know of. As it turns out he only had three results. And one of them was blank. Nothing about being gay.

Now Faustus is quite famous and not just for his blogging. He has musicals, a book, and tons of other accomplishments – none of which I have ever done or even attempted. So I thought, "What the hell! Lets do it."

And here it is.