Jurisprudence: Or how to kick a telemarketer in the gonads

Well, I would have written earlier, but I have been in court nearly all day. I have a number of telemarketer cases I am litigating and I managed to schedule them all for back-to-back hearings. That is generally a very good thing unless you get a horrible judge. Fortunately for me, I got a very good judge. So good in fact that I think I won all three cases.

Unfortunately for me, one of the defendants was smarter than I gave him credit for and now we have to go to some arbitrator’s meeting in about thirty minutes. I feel confident I will win however.

On the bright side I meet this fabulous attorney (yes, I used the word fabulous). She was so impressed with my pleadings and motions that she invited me to her office to discuss telemarketing law. I am fairly sure that is the only reason she asked me (can we say lesbian?), but if not I am in some real trouble. I am positive she could beat me up – or hold me down – without much problem.

The halls of jurisprudence are calling, so I will leave it at that. I promise I will have something better to write about tomorrow.

I am so proud...

I have this little domain backorder tool that I wrote a few years ago. It is fairly simple, but gets the job done. Case in point, a certain creationist website forgot to renew their domain recently. Now I own it. I will not give out the website name as it would invalidate my blog-anonymity, but if you run across a site with the following home page, you will know who I am…

Since Creationism is bullshit,
may we suggest you visit
www.talkorigins.org
for legitimate scientific information.

I have dozens more on backorder, so we will see who else falls into my trap. [Insert maniacal laugh]

Kumustá Nemein!

So I was messing around with flickr.com to get some images posted and I noticed that the site greeted me with "Kumusta Nemein!" At first I thought that my profile must indicate I am Philippine. I mean, why else would I be welcomed to the site in Tagalog?

Then I stared wondering why it would use "Kumustá" in the first place. This is more a greeting between two best friends or between two children – at least as far as I understand Tagalog. I think I deserve a little more respect from a computer. Perhaps "Kumustá pô" would be more appropriate.

Then I realized that flickr.com just rotates greetings in foreign languages each time I log in. What a let down. The next time I logged in it said "Namaste Nemein!" Now my Hindi is a bit rusty, but I believe that means "I bow to you."

That’s more like it!

Kevin Number One

Since I mentioned him earlier, and since I have nothing blog-worthy to discuss, I will recount the story of Kevin Number One. For some odd reason, I dated a whole string of Kevins shortly after moving back to the States. And by “string”, I mean eight. In a row.

Since I am fairly anti-social, I rarely visited the local (and only) gay bar in Charleston, South Carolina after the big move. Come to think of it, it was more about the fact that I lived on the Isle of Palms and had to drive forever to get to the bar. Usually, I just hung-out with my straight friends on the island at a local dive.

On occasion, however, I would drive over to Mt Pleasant and rent a movie or two from the local Blockbuster. Least you think I am some huge movie geek, the main reason for this action rests squarely on the fact that one of the Blockbuster employees was incredibly, drop-dead beautiful. He had these massive, blue eyes. You could see the eyes from the other side of the store. He also never looked at me, never spoke to me, and as far as I could tell, did not even know I existed.

After the first couple of weeks, I had worked-out his schedule and my trips to Blockbuster were timed accordingly. Every Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday I would head over and rent some movies. The problem with this plan was that I could only rent certain movies on certain days. For example, on Mondays I could rent new releases since they were due back the next day. On Tuesdays I could rent the fairly new releases since you could keep them until Thursday. Finally, on Thursday I had to rent the real crappy movies that you could keep until Monday.

I have to assume that my gaydar was much more highly tuned back then, because there was nothing to indicate that Kevin Number One was gay. In fact, on several occasions I noticed him getting in or out some girl’s car when I arrived a little too early or a little too late. After about three weeks of lusting, I arrived in the parking lot and noticed Kevin Number One loading films into a milk crate from the drop box out front. You know, the drop box out by the road for the lazy people that cannot walk the extra ten yards to the door?

So I pulled up a few parking spaces away, strategically located so that he would have to walk past me to return to the store. I fiddled around in the car for a few moments and opened the door just as he walked past. Unfortunately, my timing was a little off and I accidentally belted him with the door of my car. Also unfortunately, it caused him to drop the milk crate – most likely due to the fact that the milk crate rammed him in the gonads.

I was mortified.

While helping him gather the films back into the crate and apologizing profusely, I apparently asked him out. I really don’t remember doing it, but I do remember him saying, “Sure. Where do you want to go?”

Our first date was about a week later. I will not get into the details of the date, but it was very nice. I will say this, “Sex on the Beach” makes a fine drink. In reality, however, the actual “sex on the beach” is not something I would recommend.

I am dead serious with this warning. Keep in mind that sand is an irritant. Also keep in mind that sand is the main ingredient in glass. With those two facts in mind, should you happen to find yourself faced with “sex on the beach”, I have one last rule. And this one is VERY important.

Should you happen to drop your condom while opening the package, even if it does not look like sand stuck to it, do not put it on! And, if you happen to discount my warning and proceed nevertheless, you will want to stay away from anything that makes you horny for at least a week or so afterwards. You will see what I mean.

The evildoers failed…

Despite the previous post, somehow I managed to drink more yesterday. I had my bi-weekly poker game with some donators friends last night. It is just a friendly cut-throat game that unfortunately lasts until the wee hours.

Somewhere along the way, someone (I think it was M) suggested we open a bottle of Mezcal. Now, I normally do not drink while playing poker and the pigs that were seated at the table had eaten all five pizzas before I got a piece. So, on an empty stomach I agreed to drink this Dixie cup full of Mezcal. I had no idea what it was.

It quickly became apparent exactly what Mezcal is and why I should not have partaken. Apparently, Mezcal is pretty much the same as tequila – much like sparkling wine is to Champagne.

I am fairly sure they did this to me because they are hateful, evil people. More likely, because I was winning all of their money. That being said, I did win all of their money. However, I am now on day two of my hangover. I think I will go back to bed until tomorrow.

Science experiment...

Previously, Anonyboy declared that tequila was evil. Being skeptics, M and I decided to test this hypothesis last night. We traveled down to the local restaurant/bar/Mexican-tequila-distiller and proceed with the clinical trials.

We tested the theory extensively.

Some of you scientific-minded readers may note that we did not actually have a control group in our experimentations, but I believe, in hindsight, that was not really necessary.

After several hours of testing we returned home to examine the results. This morning we reached our conclusion. Anonyboy, as it turns out, was absolutely correct in his analysis. We are so positive of our findings, in fact, that we both vowed not to repeat the experimentations in the future. Ever.

We Won!

I wish to thank my millions of readers that supported my boycott. Due to your solidarity and courage, I received a telephone call from a senior Blockbuster executive. After heady negotiations, the faceless corporation agreed to refund my $10.91. Without your support this injustice would not have been resolved.

Further, recognizing my immense following and power, the Man pleaded with me, the peoples’ representative, to remove the boycott. I, being magnanimous as usual, agreed. As a thank you for not bankrupting their company, they also through in a half dozen free movie rental credits.

It only goes to show that the power of the people will always win.

Now, with my newfound $10.91, I am going to head down to the local pet superstore with my dog Brazil Nut to buy her some real dog food. Like the reclusive old lady down the street, she has been eating cat food for the last three days.

Boycott Blockbuster!

I generally don’t ask too much from my readers, but I need your help on this one. Go out right now and cancel your Blockbuster Membership! Don’t wait, do it right now.

I am so pissed (and I am not using the English slang here) at Blockbuster that I cannot see straight. (Come to think of it, I have never been able to see straight.) I canceled my membership back in the early nineties while living in Charleston, South Carolina due to "mysterious" late fees being added to my account. I found out later that employees would take the movies home and return them the next day. People like me would foot the bill. I know this for a fact since I dated the little cutie at my local store for over a year.

Last month, I broke down and got a new membership here in New Mexico – mostly due to the "End of Late Fees" advertising campaign. When I signed up I even mentioned that I had not rented movies for over a decade due to the whole late fee thing and that I was happy they came up with this new policy. The bitch even told me how much it had increased their membership levels!

So, I rented two movies last month. "The Cinderella Story" (sucked, but Chad was cute - and yes, that is why I rented it) and "The Chronicles of Riddick" (surprisingly good) were returned BEFORE the due date despite the "End of Late Fees". When I got to the store today I learned that I had a balance on my account of $10.91 in late fees! I WAS MAD! It turns out that all of the stores in New Mexico "opted out" of the "End of Late Fees" program. No sign, no disclaimer, no nothing.

The clipping sound you hear is me cutting up my membership card. I cannot believe the cojones of these people. They do not know who they are messing with.

Nemein n. 1. one that distributes what is due 2. one that provides justice or revenge nem- [Greek root] to distribute (See Nemesis - the Greek goddess of retributive justice)

when the world is puddle-wonderful

I have decided to rename my dog once more. I was thinking of Piñon. She’s a Chihuahua, so I think it fits fairly well. It may be a tad gay, but she is a she, so Piñon will be fine.

On a completely unrelated note, SPRING is coming! My apricot trees are in full bloom and the quince and peaches are only a week away. That means it is time to start planting more trees. I’ve got room for three or four more, so I have been pouring over the catalogs trying to find the appropriate additions.



Let me first explain my philosophy on tree planting. Since I am going to water, feed and generally take care of the thing, I better get something back – and shade doesn’t cut it. As a result, everything in my yard produces something. I have apples, pears, peaches, apricots, quinces, tea, bananas, figs, mulberries, pecans, persimmons, pomegranates, grapes, kiwis, guavas, starfruit, prickly pears, bamboo, oranges, lemons, limes, dates, and nectarines. (Yes, you can eat bamboo... think Chinese restaurant.)

So, what should I get? I want something off the beaten path. I was thinking of this wonderful purple, penis-looking fruit called Akebia quinata. It seems fairly good, but that leaves me two or three more choices. I also considered a Dragon Fruit but I have enough cacti as it stands. I was also looking at a Jujube (Zizyphus jujuba) or a Paw Paw (Asimina triloba).

So here is the challenge... suggest some good fruit trees that I do not already have.

And just in case anyone asks about the title, I do not really like e. e. cummings, it just seemed to fit.

The Email Happy Dance

Wow! I got a real email, from a sane person nonetheless. I even checked out his blog to make sure. But, I will still count him as sane. (Just kidding…)

I was so excited that I forgot to let my dog Cashew Pecan back in the house. She waited patiently outside the door as I performed the Email Happy Dance. Unfortunately she cannot bark very loud or she would have gotten back in sooner.

You may have noticed that I changed my dog’s name to Pecan. It just sounds better than Cashew. Cashew is more of a cat's name and I don’t want Pecan to develop any additional complexes.